Mark my words: Elton, Keith and dodgy pop lyrics

People, it's just a song!
Picture: Dom8256

Where does Keith, one of Salut!'s regular contributors and prizewinners*, fit into this week's My Word column in The National, Abu Dhabi? He doesn't at all. But he does have a penchant for dodgy pop music and will be green with envy that this posting was timed to appear at the very moment my Sunderland-bound Grand Central train pulled out of King's Cross. Keith is one of those Man United fans who rarely if ever see their team play au stade, though he is a clever lad and, unlike most admirers of his brand of choice, could almost certainly place Manchester on a map. Today, he'll miss his team slaughtering mine, so at least the world still has room for some justice (not the slaughter, but him missing it)...

Some people take pop song lyrics very seriously. They memorise them, sing along while dancing or listening to them and sometimes seem to live their lives by platitudes snatched from them. Yet when we see the verses and choruses written down, they frequently make little sense or reveal such appalling use of English that the natural response is to wince. This, I know, is the sort of thing people tend to say as they get older. Most of us remember a father, mother or great aunt moaning: "Music isn't what it used to be; in our day, we had real tunes and proper words."

If you do care about such matters, however, you may be pleased to hear that you are not alone.

Forget all those ghastly Eurohits. Agadoo was drivel, of course, and its creators can hardly complain that it was once voted the worst pop song of all time. But they intended it to be drivel and reaped handsome rewards. Other songs were almost as bad, though I am not sure many readers would thank me for specific reminders.

The song lyrics I have in mind are different because the writers believed them, so far as we can tell, to be literate.

Exploring the internet, I found two sites - metafilter.com and spinner.com - where debates on dire or ungrammatical lyrics have attracted a lot of interest.

At metafilter, the discussion began with the question: "I would like a bazillion examples of popular music lyrics and song titles that would make an English teacher cry out in empathetic pain for their abuse of grammar."

Leaving aside the questionable "bazillion", I am happy to quote from the replies. Neil Diamond came in for a few mentions, notably for "Songs she sang to me, songs she brang to me"; "The boat that I row won’t cross no ocean"; and "I got a song been on my mind".

Bread and America were among other artists to crop up. So were Abba, but I exonerate them for an obvious reason. The Swedes speak good English and should not be faulted simply because when they write pop songs, that English is not quite right.

There was a persuasive defence of the non-standard nature of "Black American English, what with that having a pretty special place in Rock and Roll". The same writer cleared “I can’t get no satisfaction” of grammatical error, insisting that double negatives were common to many languages, not just "African American vernacular English".

But I suppose I should declare my own candidate. It is a song associated with Sir Elton John, although the lyrics are the work of Bernie Taupin.

At the websites I visited, Your Song - a song I loved when it first appeared - was criticised for the the line "If I was a sculptor/But then
again, no", one of several was/were issues identified. But my grievance is with another song, Candle in the Wind, a tribute to Marilyn Monroe.

The offending sequence runs: "Even when you died/Oh the press still hounded you/All the papers had to say/Was that Marilyn was found in the nude."

What Taupin intended, clearly with John's endorsement, was to bash the press. Taken literally, however, the attack backfires. It suggests that every newspaper reported Monroe's unclothed state, and nothing more. It does not require many words to say a body was naked, certainly not sufficient to amount to "hounding".

Taupin's complaint was that newspapers drew attention to the nakedness when covering Monroe's death. Had the lyrics properly conveyed his thoughts, he would have written: "All the papers had to say/that Marilyn was found in the nude."

Whether it would then have scanned is another matter. But there is also an argument that we should accept whatever passes, in a pop song, for English. This is not the first time I have written about Bernie Taupin's lapse. On the first occasion, the debate was brought - or brang, as Mr Diamond would say - to an end with a comment some may be inclined to apply generally: "People, really, it's just a song. Get over it!"

* Keith did not, of course, win one of the three copies of the book on French cinema offered in the recent competition to mark the 200,000th visit to Salut! Louise should just about have received hers in Belgium (ordered via Amazon, with a suitable message, because Mme Salut! acted in a way the French call "crafty" and stole a book for herself). Bill may have to wait a few days for his. But any guilt I felt on realising I had sealed the envelope without writing a few congratulatory words (along the lines of "fair play to you, it's the least I can do after you sent me that Stoke City fan's book") disappeared when I was informed of the cost of postage to Canada. Roads of Stone has yet to come forward with a postal address for the last of the three prizes.

Comments

[Bill Taylor]

O, ye of little faith -- it was hardly a slaughter. It sounds, in fact, as if the Cats done pretty good (if you take my meaning).
Am I to assume that the book is coming by AIRmail? How extravagant of you! But I'm a little disquieted by the continuing insinuation that the prize is a quid pro quo rather than a fitting reward for my wit, wisdom and eloquence.

[George Foreman]

"If I WERE a sculptor," Mr Randall. That's what the song says. It may be considered old-fashioned to use the subjunctive (clearly that is your view) but is it now also passé to misquote a writer – especially in a column about the correct use of English?

But doubtless you know it better this way:

Si j'étais un sculpteur

[colin]

BT: fitting reward, but we must let the non-winners feel better about losing. And no, it wasn't a slaughter. Man U were lucky to win. We may well go down. But how refreshing to see the lamentable G Neville exposed as a cheat (booked for a pathetic dive in search of a free kick or maybe even penalty).

GF: I notice you didn't defend the lines I actually criticised, as opposed to the one I quoted others as criticising. I wrote this:
"...At the websites I visited, Your Song - a song I loved when it first appeared - was criticised for the the line "If I was a sculptor/But then again, no", one of several was/were issues identified. But my grievance is with another song, Candle in the Wind, a tribute to Marilyn Monroe..."

Which, incidentally, does not for a moment suggest I am "clearly" supporting "was" in place of "were".

In fact, I initially found the "official" lyrics impossible to locate in internet searches. On the web in general, "was" outnumbers "were" on a ratio of 4:1. I was still ready to take your word for it despite the evidence, but then came across EJ's official site which does not not publish lyrics but does enable visitors to listen. And he sings "If I was..."

http://www.eltonjohn.com/about/discography.jsp?discpage=singles

Maybe, he has corrected it in subsequent/other versions.

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show...

[Bill Taylor]

It would be interesting, in an appalling kind of way, if all three northeastern teams were to go down. It seems altogether possible. At least there would still be local derbies to watch and a concrete reason to hate the Maggotpies.....

[Keith]

A penchant for dodgy music? Me? Colin, you cut me to the quick (see comments in previous post). I fear I would suffer 19 nervous breakdowns if I approached the lyrics of pop music with a sub-editor’s eye, so I think there is far more fun to be had in trying to work out exactly what they are going on about. The possibilities are endless. Take Procol Harum (somebody please take Procol Harum!). In the comical lyrics of A Whiter Shade of Pale, for which I think they owe Bach a deep apology, is the following:

She said, 'There is no reason
and the truth is plain to see.'
But I wandered through my playing cards
and would not let her be
one of sixteen vestal virgins
who were leaving for the coast
and although my eyes were open
they might have just as well've been closed

What were the boys thinking of? What on earth were they doing wandering through playing cards when there were 16 vestal virgins on the loose? Where are the 16? They didn’t come to my part of the coast – I know, I’ve been looking for them for years.

And I wonder if Elvis Presley thought about what Messrs Leiber and Stoller were driving at when they wrote the following:

Number forty-seven said to number three:
You’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see.
I sure would be delighted with your company,
Come on and do the jailhouse rock with me

Cute jailbird? Talk about stir crazy. I reckon the 16 vestal virgins would have been much safer leaving for Memphis than the coast.

As for the football, it might surprise you to know that I would be truly sorry to see Sunderland relegated: they bring passion, tradition and a certain élan to the Premier League. Oh, and a guaranteed six points, of course.

[Keith]

I'm off ... It's just occurred to me that the 16 could be waiting at Euston for the delayed Virgin service to Warrington

[Bill Taylor]

Just make sure they're wearing their string vestals. You wouldn't want them catching the rockin' pneumonia or the boogy-woogy flu.

[Susan]

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