A campaign for the Elysée that has style in abundance but lacks conviction, cohesion, substance and sometimes basic competence.
Picture: ParisDailyPhoto
And behind it, at least nominally, the weak thunder of a herd of disagreeable elephants.
It is fair to say I have not been the campaign's most passionate champion. Only yesterday, over at the Guardian's Comment is Free, I was accused of being condescending towards its figurehead.
So you would feel pretty safe in your judgment if you supposed that the one person I could not bring myself to support, when registering my non-voting preference in the French presidential elections, was Ségolène Royal.
Let us take a quick look at the other 11 options, some more fleetingly than others.
François Bayrou. Ever since my old friend Mike Amos, a lifelong Tory, stood (and won) as an independent for the council in my home town of Shildon, I have tended to think of self-proclaimed centrists and independents as conservatives in disguise, unless they call themselves Independent Trotskyists or whatever.
If Bayrou headed the UMP, or if his own UDF were a bigger political fish. I might think he just about deserved a go - just as my old mum used to say she would vote Liberal if only she thought they stood a chance of winning (she confided just before her death that she'd voted for them anyway). But I still wouldn't vote for him.
Jean-Marie Le Pen. My profound affection for the Front National leader is well known. Without such people to oppose, frustrate and abuse, politics would be a lot less interesting. Sarko may consider some of his ideas worthy of thought; to me, they are crackpot and obnoxious.
Marie-George Buffet. The Communist Party seems such an outdated, irrelevant relic of past, valid struggles as well as grotesque authoritarianism, that Buffet might be seen as a joke candidate. But she clearly means well, and comes across as decent and likeable, if wholly unelectable.
José Bové ought really be tucked up his prison bed come election night, but has been spared a start to his sentence long enough to see out his campaign. I share his dislike of McDo and am suspicious of GM crops, but wouldn't mount attacks on fast food premises or rip up politically incorrect fields.
Then there is a ragbag of far lefties, another rightwinger, a pro-hunting candidate and a green. Forgive me for passing over them without further mention and please feel free to bring them into your comments.
We are left with the original Punch and Judy show of Sarko and Ségo.
Nicolas Sarkozy is not as bad as many people think. He has correctly identified some of France's problems - on the economy, jobs, terrorism, crime and immigration.
But far too many of his solutions strike me as extreme; sometimes it is as if the same thought has occurred to him, too, causing him to backtrack a little.
What is more, like a good many footballers and their managers, he talks a good game but often fails to deliver. Consider the totality of his record as interior minister or, as the French call it, No 1 Cop.
If I were not already apprehensive on my own account about a Sarkozy presidency, I would allow myself to be put off for life by the nature of some of the people outside France who very keenly want him to win.
Incidentally, he will also learn soon enough how shallow their support is, when they turn on him as he defends- as he will be expected to do, if elected - French interests every bit as illogically and selfishly, so it will seem to our friends on the Right, as did Chirac. And when he caves in to this or that street protest, as I suspect he will, their rage will know no bounds.
My decision to award this phantom support of mine to Ségoléne Royal has nothing to do with my appreciation of her womanly charms, for which I was so roundly castigated not so long ago.
Nor should it be taken as a warm-hearted endorsement of her campaign, which I regard as disjointed and disappointing.
But when you come from a Daily Herald-reading, Labour-voting family background, it takes a lot more than I have seen from Sarko to shake you out of a lifetime's habit.
It doesn't matter that I worked for the Daily Telegraph for 29 years; I didn't, after all, inhale. And they employed me as a reporter, not a politician. British papers have a long history of giving jobs to reporters, sub-editors and specialists who, privately or less privately, think the "wrong way". Other people are recruited for the polemic.
As it happens, I did vote all those years ago for Mike Amos, or rather for one of the other bogus independents who stood for the council with him. But that had nothing to do with ideology, everything to do with friendship and a youthful streak of rebellion (directed on this occasion against a tired and arrogant Labour establishment).
Otherwise, for good or for bad, I have stuck to principles acquired early in life and voted consistently Labour, save for the times Labour exasperated me so much that I voted for no one.
Ségolène Royal is unlikely to make a great president. If, one way or the other, she gets a strong prime minister in place after the June parliamentary elections, she may not turn out to be an especially bad one either. And if the alternative is Sarko, that is perhaps the best we can hope for.
All the deceptions of Labour and New Labour have left me a fairly cynical supporter of any mainstream party of the left. But with all the reservations that I have expressed here and elsewhere about her own suitability for high office, and for all my resignation to a Sarko victory, Ségo gets my non-vote.
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