Image: Poppet with a CameraFrom French television news I learn that British newspapers are worried about Kate Middleton. She looks fine on my screen but clearly isn't bulky enough for Her Majesty's press.
The French may have done away with royalty, chopping off heads but keeping the palaces for tourists, but they show lingering fascination with ours. And, eccentric pretenders aside, with the nearest thing that remains to one of their own, the Grimaldis of Monaco.
A long documentary, très people (tabloid), was devoted the other evening to the two royal brides-to-be, Kate (Catherine, as a French broadsheet writer fussily had her throughout one recent report) and Prince Albert's fiancee, Charlene Wittstock, a Zimbabwe-born former swimming international with South African nationality.
A week on Friday sounds like a good day for sloping off. No one will be interested in anything I have to write from France and I have no wish to sit glued to the television.
But in case there is the least shred of truth in reports that Kate has lost a little too much weight, I do have a remedy.
She has already demonstrated a penchant for foie gras, to the dismay of Middle England as represented by midmarket journalists, and her Wearside family pedigree may even have left her with a taste for stotty cakes.
The foie gras, served cold with toast, could be followed by andouillettes, described at the website Things That Stink as French pig-colon sausage. The site helpfully adds a quote from The Times: “I would never have discovered Troyes, a beautiful medieval town of timber-framed buildings, were it not for a pale, lumpy sausage made from pigs’ intestines that smells like a pissoir….”
Image: LWYAnd for those not yet fully turned off, here is something I found at Wikipedia last time I wrote about andouillettes:
Traditional andouillette is made from the colon and the stomach of pig. In modern times, contents vary and normally contain intestines of pig, cow and/or calf. It is not to be confused with andouille sausage, which is much spicier, but more mild in animal-derived smells.
As some of you will recall, I am confirmed fan. When living in Paris and travelling around France, I would typically time my return, once work was done, so that I could enjoy my andouilletes before boarding the train.
It goes best with seriously good chips and lots of Dijon mustard. The chips could be bought at the award-winning fish and chop shop in Bishop Auckland, Co Durham run by Kate's distant cousin, Peter Beedle. Like me, Peter has no invitation to the wedding so has plenty of time to fry his chips.
That should all do the trick for Kate if she truly needs building up; I'm sure she can choose her own wines - not for me, but some foie gras devotees accompany it with sweet Sauternes - but may want to start off with some heavy ale. I have left gaps in the menu which you must feel free to fill in. The stotty cakes are optional ...
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